How can a person say that one is truly hapy? How can one assure one's self that he/she is not faking his/her own happiness.
Sometimes, when I'm walking down the street or when I'm inside the mall, I couldn't help but look at the others and then I think. I just think. Are these people happy? Some are with their friends, some, with their families and others are with their lovers. Some are smiling, others, laughing while some are frowning, arguing and fighting. Everyone's busy doing something and if given the chance to stop and talk to them, I would definitely ask if they are happy. I mean... I would... one of these days.. who knows?
For now, all I can do is to focus on what I really feel. Am I happy? What are the merits of happiness? How does one measure it? Does happiness last? For how long?I've been living my life for twenty and more years now. Yet, it seems like happiness still evades me. But there's only this one time that I felt truly joyful in my life: The time that I gave birth to my son, Jeremiah Francis. Before and after that, I don't remember feeling joyful.
But maybe, I don't know it. Maybe I am happy now, but I just deny it.
But why would I deny it?
Afraid, I guess. I'm still afraid. Maybe. I'm afraid of the idea that I'll get used to being happy and time might come for all of it to stop . I'm afraid of being lonely again. Of facing the world on my own. I'm afraid of shrinking to my dark abyss just like I did in Junior High.
Time quickly passess away. It's like magic that for one moment you're here, and the next, you're some place else. And happiness, too, does not remain constant. Just as time pass away, so does happiness. I don't know when I'll be truly happy, for as long as I am living beneath the shadows of those people around me, I won't be free -------------------- I won't find my happiness.
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