Not Up To It

It disgusts me knowing that I don’t write very well. Yes, I still have the inferiority complex syndrome, if there’s such a disorder.

Don’t get me wrong, though. I am happy that I was one of the few chosen to be an intern at Los Baños. I was told that the instructors of the Development Communication Dept. of Xavier University’s College of Agriculture were very keen in looking for students to represent the university at prestigious agencies, especially those located in Luzon.

Maybe I was the only one who applied for BIOTECH, short for the National Institute of Molecular Biology and Biotechnology located at the University of the Philippines, Los Baños (UPLB). It must have left the panel to choose me because they have no other choices. I’d like to think of it that way.

My companions, they really are great in their fields and being assigned to their respective agencies, International Rice Research Institute (IRRI) and Philippine Council for Agriculture, Forestry, Resources, Research and Development (PCARRD), was rightfully selected for them. Tat and Lara, for instance, have the skills and knowledge that they can contribute to PCARRD. Marie and Carmel, on the other hand, are a perfect pair for IRRI, knowing Carmel’s writing ability and Marie’s knowledge in artistic designs and lay-outs. While I have no idea what I’m doing here in BIOTECH. Nevermind that I’m alone and that my supposed partner backed out with a last-minute change of heart, I still think that I’m not fit here.

Yes, I may have signified an interest in science writing but I wasn’t really expecting that scientific write-ups are very technical in subject matters. Well, maybe I was expecting this subconsciously and unconsciously, still, I don’t think I’m up for this.

I already have made a feature article about the Makapuno production and the technology behind it. I did some research about it and yet, I fall short of knowledge. I still think that what I’ve written is inferior and lacks substance even if I tried the best that I could to make it work. I still strive to be a good writer, better even more, but I always fall short, always two steps behind.
What advice can I give myself when I think that I tried doing it all – the reading, the freehand writing and the constant writing practices? I mean, of course, I still have to do better. I have this very low self-esteem and sometimes I think it’s eating me up. It scares me to think that I might fail my DevCom teachers’ expectation of me. I’m afraid that I won’t be able to give write-ups as good as those interns from XU who came before me.

I still doubt my writing skills. I’m not sure if I’m right where I belong. Today, this is still my dilemma. I don’t know how I’ll solve this but I’m hoping that I will, in time.