Shame On Me

And I was there.

Dreamed every possible scene.



I told myself of every possible circumstance where I might be stood up. But nothing ever prepared me for this much heartache. I knew I should have expected the worst. I mean, I did. But I never thought I could be this hurt.

I could have just let it slip through my brains. Could've thought of it otherwise. 

I think I deserve an explanation. But how do I ask of it? I have no idea.

If he thinks of this as a game, well, he won. I know I shouldn't have thought of him this way. He hasn't thought of me that day, anyway. 

Tell me something I already know.

Am I really that stupid? You really think I’m a loser?

It’s good enough that I think of myself as a fool for even including you in my dreams. I know that you’ve got no interest in me. It actually shows. But you shouldn’t have told me things that I would be hopeful of.

You think I didn’t keep those words you told me? I thought you liked me. Or you said you do. But why is it that I feel so much as a trash right now, more than ever?

I thought you were different. I thought you were one of a kind. You were nice to me and you talk like you were sincere. But then, days passed and I heard nothing from you. You didn’t even tell me you will not make it to our meet up. Yes, I guess I find your reasons valid enough. But then, there you go again – ignoring me. Sometimes I think I’m just being played around. You know how it feels, right? To be played like a fool?

Well, that’s what I feel right now. It’s getting harder and harder to breathe because there’s this unexplainable feeling beyond my throat. I wanted to cry but tears already fled me. I’ve been wasting my time wallowing in the comforts of my bed. I told myself millions of years ago not to expect too much from people, especially from those I have deep feelings with. But at the back of my mind, I know I was hoping too much.

This is not about you, ditching our supposed-to-be meet up. This is about you, not doing anything about it. You said you were sorry. I know. Apology accepted. Now what? That’s it? We don’t talk? You won’t try to contact me?

F***! I know. You don’t want anything from me anymore, do you? You see me like some teenage dirtbag that you can just forget after a day or two. O Crap! And I fell for this. I totally believed you and I made a total mess out of myself. You never even said you loved me, for Pete’s sake.

It’s becoming clear to me now. Everything is becoming oh-so-clear. You didn’t want me. You just wanted to talk to me, now I’m referring to those phone calls in the wee hour of my evenings. You just wanted someone to listen to you while you bleed your heart out. And I was that convenient someone. I became a friend that I always say I would be. And that’s how you will always see me – a friend.

Shame on me for expecting a lot more than that. Shame on me for having some feelings for you when you never even considered me in the first place. Shame on me for falling in love with you not just once, but twice!